Suffocating darkness

I wake up it should be morning but I can’t see the sun through the grey dark clouds that crowd my mind but I have hope because in order to know darkness, I would have to have known light

The contrast serves to help us see the full spectrum of light in the world

In knowing that, it serves a comfort that I’m sure I’ll see the sun soon or even the moon’s growling light in a dark night sky

I lay in my bed awake, the weight of the darkness turns my duvet into quicksand as I slowly sink deeper into the darkness. It’s buried me with its constant whispers and an it’s unheard cries

As I try escape it encapsulates me faster.

I stop and breathe in

before I grudgingly utter to it

“I know you want me to stay, I’m here with you. “

The darkness loosens it’s grip on me

I slowly start to move, I turn to my side to get out of bed before I’m pulled back in by the darkness

“empty words, is always the way with you, you’ve pushed me aside for too long, your actions will determine when I can let you go”

I cry, helplessly, feeling coerced into a dark slumber – a rotting tomb of my past, my fears and failures

I lay in a paralysis from the darkness’s strength.

I cry as I see my loved ones moving happily through life as I go unnoticed

They can’t hear my cries that are being silenced by the gravitas of the darkness

It muffles my screams and transmutes a fake smile.

The darkness is in control of my body, moving me through my life and attends to my responsibilities with a bleak expressionless face

I lay paralysed on the cold floor of a cell, chained by the weight of the darkness’s tomb.

I see everything I love from afar but I’m so disconnected, I feel nothing.

I close my eyes, hoping this nightmare might be over soon.

I jolt awake, I open my eyes and see these beautiful big green eyes piercing through the darkness, they gleam with light

She found me.

I stare back at my best friend

‘I hear you’ she says

I feel my leg start to shift

‘It’s okay to feel this way’

My arm feels awake, I slowly lean up

The glow from her eyes starts to expand and I see her whole face

‘I’m here for you’

The more she speaks, it breathes life back into me

She found me

I start to cry, cry and cry.

The cries turn into laughter and she laughs with me.

My tears drip into the darkness that has encapsulated me for so long

The ripple from my tear drops, rapidly tatter open the darkness around me

I slowly am being surrounded by light as my tears flood the room

The world around me is revealed

I’m sitting across my best friend

I’m sorry I just went somewhere in mind and I’ve been so gone for so long

She smiles back and says ‘it’s okay, I always knew where you were and I’ve been waiting till you were ready’

In that moment, I finally understood the darkness and what it longed for

Just like me, it wanted someone to sit with it and it’s pains without judgement, without shame and to be vulnerable.

It wanted me to acknowledge that it was here.

It was here.

my rambling thoughts about pursuing a creative career..

Well, its hard. We all know that, but we chose this..

and we choose it over and over, again.

Each time we feel like we’re ready to give up on it, we fall a little more in love or remember why we started in the first place.

While writing this out now, I am starting to think it sounds a lot like a toxic relationship but is there really any other way for creative careers?

I hope so

No, actually!

I will do my best to make it so…

I am trying to find a healthy way to keep chugging along on this journey but still honour my health and wellbeing.

All these emotions and thoughts have stemmed from an interesting experience I had the other day during a ‘meeting’, sort of a ‘job interview’ sort of thing- for this crew role. (I am keeping the details bare to save myself any consequences)

The woman said to me “is that what you want to do?”

*For context, I explained how I got into the industry, my passion started with acting, moved into screenwriting and then directing once I got into film school.*

Acting will always be my #1 and I love it so much but that doesn’t mean I get to choose it as my #1 job preference and in the meantime I am loving expanding my creative passions with filmmaking. It even makes me a better actor in my opinion.

But when going for a crew role, that department doesn’t to hear any of that. They don’t want to invest their time in someone who isn’t sure about where they are going or doesnt want climb their department ladder.

Her next comment hurt.

“Of course I want to be an actor, if I could do it full time! I would in a heartbeat but, the thing is I don’t have a choice in the matter. Its the industry that decides whether I get to be an actor” especially since we still face issues with diverse representation

“well, that’s not necessarily true, its just where you put your energy”

“Where I put my energy”

GRRRRRRRR

I felt the actor within me cry, rage and agree. My inner actor said “see even she can see, you don’t care about me.”

But its not true! and god if only my inner actor could understand the logic of this god forsaken but loveable industry.. there are so many variables and I am allowed to explore my other creative passions in the meantime.

And if I did put 100% of my energy into acting, which I have in the past, I will resent it, hate it even and I will lose love, lose the passion and motivation.

Creativity is not quanitfiable, its free flowing and no matter what you think you cannot tame it.

You can create space for it but you can’t make it into a thing it doesnt want to be. You can’t force it and when you do, it can be very damaging. This goes for everything in life too.

So I am writing for those who have multiple creative passions, especially passions with no definitive career progressions or pathways.

you have the permission to explore, play, and even grow apart from things and come back to it.

And maybe, be careful with who you share your dreams with.. they might be experiencing some bitterness about their own dreams, maybe they ignored the creative pulls to other places.

Or maybe they just want to hear that you want to progresss in the role you are applying for and don’t really care about your other passions.

Its irrelevant to them.

I am taking the time to take care of my heart and the creativity within me. I know working a crew role will bring me great experience, connections, money and probably more passion to keep chasing what I really want.

So thank you interview lady for reminding me of my love for acting and the protectiveness I have of my creative heart.