Well, its hard. We all know that, but we chose this..
and we choose it over and over, again.
Each time we feel like we’re ready to give up on it, we fall a little more in love or remember why we started in the first place.
While writing this out now, I am starting to think it sounds a lot like a toxic relationship but is there really any other way for creative careers?
I hope so
No, actually!
I will do my best to make it so…
I am trying to find a healthy way to keep chugging along on this journey but still honour my health and wellbeing.
All these emotions and thoughts have stemmed from an interesting experience I had the other day during a ‘meeting’, sort of a ‘job interview’ sort of thing- for this crew role. (I am keeping the details bare to save myself any consequences)
The woman said to me “is that what you want to do?”
*For context, I explained how I got into the industry, my passion started with acting, moved into screenwriting and then directing once I got into film school.*
Acting will always be my #1 and I love it so much but that doesn’t mean I get to choose it as my #1 job preference and in the meantime I am loving expanding my creative passions with filmmaking. It even makes me a better actor in my opinion.
But when going for a crew role, that department doesn’t to hear any of that. They don’t want to invest their time in someone who isn’t sure about where they are going or doesnt want climb their department ladder.
Her next comment hurt.
“Of course I want to be an actor, if I could do it full time! I would in a heartbeat but, the thing is I don’t have a choice in the matter. Its the industry that decides whether I get to be an actor” especially since we still face issues with diverse representation
“well, that’s not necessarily true, its just where you put your energy”
“Where I put my energy”
GRRRRRRRR
I felt the actor within me cry, rage and agree. My inner actor said “see even she can see, you don’t care about me.”
But its not true! and god if only my inner actor could understand the logic of this god forsaken but loveable industry.. there are so many variables and I am allowed to explore my other creative passions in the meantime.
And if I did put 100% of my energy into acting, which I have in the past, I will resent it, hate it even and I will lose love, lose the passion and motivation.
Creativity is not quanitfiable, its free flowing and no matter what you think you cannot tame it.
You can create space for it but you can’t make it into a thing it doesnt want to be. You can’t force it and when you do, it can be very damaging. This goes for everything in life too.
So I am writing for those who have multiple creative passions, especially passions with no definitive career progressions or pathways.
you have the permission to explore, play, and even grow apart from things and come back to it.
And maybe, be careful with who you share your dreams with.. they might be experiencing some bitterness about their own dreams, maybe they ignored the creative pulls to other places.
Or maybe they just want to hear that you want to progresss in the role you are applying for and don’t really care about your other passions.
Its irrelevant to them.
I am taking the time to take care of my heart and the creativity within me. I know working a crew role will bring me great experience, connections, money and probably more passion to keep chasing what I really want.
So thank you interview lady for reminding me of my love for acting and the protectiveness I have of my creative heart.
Eleni Modinos 